Diagnosis...Finally.

Well we made it through the holidays and Gracie's due date, and we are feeling much more hopeful about our future children these days. If you can remember from my original post, we realized there was an issue with my body before we had even gotten married. The problems began as long cycles, which turned into no cycles, and resulted in the loss of our baby Taylor Grace. Before the pregnancy, my doctor had run a profile of hormone tests. These tests appeared to be normal for the time of cycle we assumed I was in. The doctor decided it would be best to wait a cycle and run more hormone tests at various points throughout that cycle. This never happened, of course, because we were pregnant the following cycle. Unfortunately, this pregnancy resulted in a loss that we will always mourn. After the pregnancy, my ob/gyn told me to wait 3 cycles and try again. I started charting again in hopes that the pregnancy might have reset my body. Instead, it appeared to make it worse. Not once did I identify signs of ovulation, even though my cycle was a "normal" length for two months in a row. As I waited for the 3rd cycle to come to an end so we could try again, I realized that I was back where we started. This cycle lasted over 70 days before I called the doctor to get progesterone to cause a withdrawal bleed. She told me to wait and see what the next cycle did. This one lasted 50 days before I gave in and called the doctor. I did not want to wait another long cycle for more answers, so I decided to investigate other clinics.

It did not take me long to identify 2 clinics I was interested in working with. The first clinic I remembered from the only Couple-to-Couple League class my husband and I attended (long story short, the teacher didn't know what to do with my charts, so out of frustration we skipped the next 2 classes). This clinic is called the AALFA clinic. The other clinic I was interested in trying was one that focused on natural care through the use of essential oils and supplements. First, I set up an appointment with the natural clinic. I had to wait a little over a month to get in, but my friends kept assuring me the doctor at this clinic was worth the wait. I took the day off to go see this doctor only to have her call that morning to let me know my appointment had to be cancelled  since she was ill. I was absolutely devastated. Not only had I been waiting so long to see this doctor in hopes of having an answer, but I also took off one of the few remaining sick days I had. (Catholic school teachers don't get that many.) I called my HR director in tears to find out whether I would have enough sick days to go see her another day, or if I could come in to save the sick day I had used that day. My lovely HR director assured me I had enough sick days to stay home for my mental health. She then called me back in a half hour to recommend the AALFA clinic. I am so glad that I called that clinic.

I was able to get in with the AALFA clinic the following Monday. On Mondays, most of my day is prep time, so I was able to go to the appointment without using anymore sick time. The lovely doctor I saw flipped through the hormone tests I had brought with me, as well as my NFP charts, and was quickly able to diagnose my problem. I have PCOS. She explained that PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is caused by "naughty genes" that I inherited. From my understanding, it is essentially an insulin resistance that causes issues with weight loss and hormones. My symptoms matched right up: low progesterone during the pregnancy, my hormone ratios, acne, facial and stomach hair, excess weight around my middle, and long, irregular, even nonexistent cycles. With a diagnosis, I am now able to get proper treatment. This happy, well-informed doctor listed off the natural supplements that would help me, informed me of the diet I should be eating, and prescribed medicine to treat the insulin resistance. She also made it quite clear that we should be pregnant within the next three months.Yay! I am looking forward to getting healthy and the possibility of having our little Clara.

Holidays and Due Dates

Some days are harder than others, and I'm sure anyone who has experienced a loss understands this. Some days I am so happy with my life and the way things are going that I can let go of the hurt that Gracie is gone and just be thankful that my Lord is holding her close to His heart. Other days are more painful. The holidays, the due date of a lost baby, and the anniversary of a loss are all tough days for mothers of angel children. Gracie's due date was on January 2nd, so we had compounded hurt in our hearts over the holiday season. Let's just say most of December and this first week of January were very difficult.
The wounds reopened for me when my friend gave birth to her beautiful baby girl. (Don't get me wrong, I am ever grateful to God for this precious child and, after all my friend has been through with losing her son, she truly deserved this sweet blessing, but her baby was supposed to be due a week before mine.) The birth of Gilli turned my mind to the thought of how we wouldn't get to meet Gracie when we should. Gilli was born mid-November, so by the beginning of December I was beginning to feel ok again, but then we started working on Christmas preparations.
Gracie was not due until January, but if she had been here, we still would have had her included in the Christmas festivities. She may have been unborn, but she was not unloved. My husband and I decided to include her this year just the same. First, we decided to buy an ornament to hang on the tree for her. We chose a angel snow baby holding a heart that had love written on it. It was simple, sweet, and pure just like our little intercessor. Then we got to stockings, I didn't feel right hanging a stocking for all of our pets, but not hanging one for Gracie. We got a stocking for Gracie, but then I needed to fill it with something, and what would we ever fill it with? Eric and I decided to find a needy mom and donate the baby things she needed in Gracie's name. As I talked to this mother who had lost her children's father a month prior, I could not keep the tears from falling down my face. Why do we lose people that are so precious to us? Children lose parents, and parents lose children. It is completely unfair. The days moved along, and I worried about how I would feel at family gatherings when Christmas eventually came.
My extended family is very close on both my mom's side and my dad's side. We celebrated Christmas with my dad's family on Christmas Day. My closest cousin is pregnant, but all I could be was happy for her. This family get together of over 60 cousins, 20 aunts and uncles, and numerous children was a happy experience, but the Saturday following Christmas was the gathering I was most nervous about. There would be 4 babies there and 3 pregnant cousins. Fortunately, this was also a happy occasion. I spent most of the day playing with the cutest little girls on the planet. Let's just say I got my baby fix in that day. As we left that day however, I did feel a little sting of jealousy. Out of the 4 married grandchildren, I was the only one who wasn't pregnant, and who couldn't get pregnant no matter how hard she tried.
Finally, the week of Gracie's due date came. Things were rather normal at our house. We just relaxed and enjoyed New Year's Eve together, but on the evening of New Years Day, the day before Gracie was supposed to be due, we decided to watch a movie together. Eric listed off the movies we owned, and I decided on Knocked Up. (My advice to those of you about to mourn what should have been your child's due date is not to watch movies about pregnant women and babies.) I got through the movie just fine without it even touching a nerve, but my husband did not fare so well. He broke down crying as soon as the movie was done. He sobbed about how unfair it was that we lost our Gracie and now couldn't get pregnant. He showed me that I was not alone in wanting desperately to have a baby. It seems that when you have been told that something is out of reach, you want it all the more. On Gracie's due date, we visited her grave for a few cold, solemn moments before we drove home talking about our plans to get healthy so that maybe our luck would turn.
In the end, life is an emotional ride whether you experience losses like these or not. There will always be a loved one who should have been there, and the joyful expectation of another life joining your family circle. It may not be in your immediate family, and it may not even be in your family, but in your circle of friends. There are ups and downs and bumps in the road, but the best we can do is hold strong and have trust that things will turn out the way God has planned. We know that His plans are always better than ours and will lead us to a life of fulfillment and purpose if we just hand over our worries to him.